You always say, “I’m sad,” and I know you are, with good reason. You were diagnosed with high-functioning autism late, after fifteen years of everyone wondering why you talked a little too slow, processed things a little too late. You still haven’t accepted your diagnosis, even though you’re twenty years old now. You don’t want to be different. You don’t want to be short and round while the rest of your sisters are tall and slim. You don’t want to be slow or dumb. You want to sparkle like the actresses do on Broadway. You want to be seen and talked about and loved. What you want more than anything is a friend, the way the rest of your sisters do.
But you don’t. You just have us.
I know you cried for days when I went to New York with my three best friends. I hate inviting people over because I don’t want you to be sad when you hear us laughing from downstairs while you sit in your room, alone and on your phone in the dark. I’ve stopped posting my life on Snapchat because I know there are other girls like you who hate feeling left behind. I know that despite all that, you still cry because you know perfectly well what you don’t have.
You have so many reasons to be sad.
But that one day I had a heartbreak – which was nothing, nothing at all compared to what heartbreak you’ve lived every day of your life –
You went out and drove in the rain for fifteen minutes, even though you’re scared of driving when it’s dark.
You pulled up at Chick-fil-A, even though you hate talking to the drive-through people and you always complain that your arm is too short to reach the window, so you have to unbuckle your seatbelt and pop the car door open and it’s so annoying.
You bought two chicken sandwiches, even though you don’t have a job and your income is sporadic at best.
You came to me where I sat in my room, alone and on my phone in the dark.
You didn’t talk, because you didn’t have the words. You didn’t try to tell me you understood, because you didn’t have the ability.
But you sat and ate Chick-fil-A with me.
I wish people saw you for who you are.
Because you’re made of nothing but love.